The Like Distractions

A month is a really long time. I’ve been trying to work on an experiment to quiet social media.

It’s been hard. And yesterday I slipped up. I went into Instagram and tried to post something to my story. I had this picture and I wanted to post it. Thought, oh this is creative. I’m allowed to do creative things.

While I was there I checked to see if anyone had wished me a happy birthday. They had not.

Then I started to check to see if anyone liked any posts. Any new followers? Any hearts? Comments? See, that’s the problem. I checked again later.

There were too many feelings for me, pulling me to the app. It was sad really. Like a druggie relapse. I feel ashamed. A failure. But, I’m not giving up.

I will continue my experiment. Now I know I can’t post and not look. I have to cut it all out. It’s sad. Sad how I’m drawn to it. Sad how I see others addicted to the phone. I have this urge, this desire, to force myself to get rid of all my apps and start from scratch. Only have phone and messages.

Can I do that? I also find value in being able to edit video. To create. I don’t want to stop creating. I like creating and I believe it’s valuable to who I am.

But checking on likes is detrimental. Makes me anxious.

Oh and listen to this. Late last night I sat in bed and was looking at my phone like what can I search for. I can’t watch a youtube video. I can’t scroll social media. What can i distract myself with?

That’s really disappointing. I know I have a lot to learn, but I don’t have to seek it out all the time. Then my daughter asked if I would like for her to read to me. Of course I said yes, absolutely.

That gave me an excuse to put the phone away and be present. Present. That is the key to this whole thing. To be present.

In the story she read there was a woman with a notebook of beautiful things. She would write in her notebook all the beautiful things she experienced in her day. The birds singing. The sun rising. The clouds moving in the wind. All of the things of life and this world that we seem to overlook these days. Things I need to bring back into my life.

Removing the attraction to the cellphone has started to increase my level of observation of the world and of those other people around me. It has made me more aware. And I believe that is a good, no great, thing.

Wish me luck on the continued journey. How is your journey going?

Impulsive

I’ve run into a bit of a snag. I have this feeling that selling things on eBay is not going to be worth the effort. It’s the small stuff.

Nobody wants them. And to think I thought they had value. Even offered at a couple of dollars no one wants them. That shows you how little they are actually worth. Worth nothing.

Do I need to hold on to something literally worth nothing? Probably not.

Why would I take up space in my home? Why would I take the time to keep it all clean? All for something literally worth nothing. It’s sad.

Why have I been keeping these things? They don’t bring me joy. I rarely use them, if ever, yet I hold onto them.

They were gifts. I can’t get rid of a gift.

They are things I’m expected to have. I have to have the things that I’m supposed to have.

So silly.

I need to rid myself of these things and move forward. It’s too much for me to try and manage all the things. To try and keep everything that’s eating away at who I want to be. I have to clear it.

I will start to clear the clutter away from my life. There were some things I sold on ebay that were quick. Fast sellers and couple of things that took several tries. I get discouraged sometimes. I have this feeling that I’ll never get rid of the excess.

I will never be able to free myself from the clutter and live a more simple life. I should know it’s not true. It’s me trying to sabotage the plans I’m making. It’s me trying to get in the way of something greater. It’s the universe making it hard to complete something of value.

It takes time. It takes sacrifice. And it takes patience. I have to remember I didn’t collect all these things overnight. Years of bringing things into my home. Years. And I can’t expect to rid myself of them overnight.

It would be that kind of thinking that got me in trouble to begin with. Impulse. You have to curb the impulse. Be deliberate, not impulsive.

I Wish I Knew

It’s going to take a long time.

I’m having a hard time. I can’t see myself being a minimalist overnight. I can’t bring myself to tossing all my things into a dumpster.

There are still lots of things I can’t think about getting rid of. Things I find interesting. Things I find useful, but don’t use all the time. I don’t know. Am I just hanging on to things that are part of a past season.

I will eventually use these things again, right?

It’s like my interests have shifted. I spend more time on other things, but what if I want to get back into that thing.

It’s tough.

This is why it’s so important the new things I bring into my life are things I need. Things I will use for a long time. Or are they only things for a season of life.

I  have to consider whether the season is over or if it’s going to come back around. This makes me angry for putting my future self into this position. If only I would have known years ago. In my teens or even my twenties. Things could be so different.

I can’t look back and beat myself up for the past. I have to move forward. Be the person I want to become now.