What to do, what to do? I have so many questions running through my head.
I have this fear. It eats me up. Fear of not being able to provide for my family. Fear of failure. Fear I can’t live up to what it is I want to be. Who I want to be. I have lots of fear.
Scared. So scared.
I hide behind my job. Waiting to leave. Working hard but waiting. It makes me sad. Is this what I’m doing with my life?
It feels like I’m working for the wrong reasons. Do I work for my family? Is that what they need from me?
Do they need me to be at the office making money or do they need me. I’m torn. I want to save money for the future. I don’t want to risk it all. I want to be happy and content but is that possible.
Is it possible to be happy? I’m not sure. Have I ever been happy for a long period of time?
It’s a trap. I feel very trapped. And not sure what to do. Usually I can write and the words will find me the answer I need. But not sure there’s an answer inside me. It might be something beyond my person.
What makes me come alive?
When I record video, when I draw, when I write. When I work on my own projects. Is that the difference? Working for someone else or working for myself. Is it that large of a difference?
There is the uncertainty. I get worried. I get nervous. Things are not settled. Things are unsure. Things are not quite right. This makes me feel uneasy.
I don’t know.
I am certain of one thing.
I have proved my theory that things will only bring temporary happiness. They will never bring lasting happiness. I need to be careful with what I allow into my life. What I allow to be something to bring joy. It’s only temporary. Temporary joy.
It’s real but it does not last. The thing wears off. It starts to fade. Faster than you would think. It fades. And what are you left with? Nothing. Nothing but the desire for the next thing. It’s a sad a state of affairs and I have found myself in it more times than I can remember.
All my life I’ve strived to attain something. Some object. The next thing. Each time, I find value in that thing for a short time then boredom.
I can’t believe I fall for it each time.
I put the things in front of me. I search them out. I allow people to advertise to me. I welcome it. No more.
I’m cutting it all out for April. All distractions. All advertisements I can help. Youtube, Instagram all those things are gone from my phone.
For the entire month. Starting yesterday.
What a relief. What a nice feeling know it’s all gone. But kind of scary. What will I fill my time with? Podcasts?
No, Podcast too. Nothing. It’s going to be a strange month. What will I do. Will I long for material things. Will I search for likes. Will I cheet and sneek social media, a Youtube video?
These are questions I can’t answer yet, but I will keep tabs. I will keep watch.
For one month, no social media and limited screen. If I’m producing or creating it’s allowed. If I’m consuming it’s not.
And it has already started. This morning I almost went to instagram app to check my posts. But I didn’t. It wasn’t even there. I have a feeling there will be a lot of that.